They say a rule was never made that hadn’t been broken. In this case whoever “they” are…are right. I’ve come across a lot of horrid fan fiction in my day, but if there’s one thing that really really bothers me, it’s a poorly written Severus Snape. Therefore, I have compiled these twenty-five simple rules to aid authors in writing him.
25 Rules for Writing Severus Snape
By Lauren K.
Rule Number One:
Severus Snape is a Potions Master who has been known to have been a spy, as well as exhibit extensive knowledge of the Dark Arts. The fact that I need to state this as a rule makes me die a little inside.
Rule Number Two:
Severus Snape does not refer to students by their first names unless otherwise instructed, and even then it takes effort.
Rule Number Three:
Severus Snape is not interested in anyone’s personal life unless it has some bearing upon his own. Any interest shown would be done so begrudgingly.
Rule Number Four:
Severus Snape portrays himself as a snarky, sarcastic bastard who also exhibits intricacies of character as well as layer and depth. He is NOT a one-sided bit of fluff who really just wants to express a repressed need for love in an Oprah-like fashion.
Rule Number Five:
If he can help it, Severus Snape does not use Muggle transport. In other words, he does not willingly use a shuttle or sub-way on a regular basis.
Rule Number Six:
Severus Snape does not have innumerable illegitimate, witty, shining, intelligent (ie. Mary Sue) female children.
Rule Number Seven:
At his leisure, Severus Snape wears wizarding robes. Wizarding Robes. He does not voluntarily wear Muggle clothing.
Rule Number Eight:
Severus Snape does not orchestrate elaborate plots merely to get men, women, or children to sleep with him. He actually has dignity, you know.
Rule Number Nine:
Severus Snape does not talk about sex openly if ever. He especially does not do so with individuals he has no reason for trusting.
Rule Number Ten:
Severus Snape does not hire prostitutes. I really hope I don’t have to elaborate upon this.
Rule Number Eleven:
Being a witch or a wizard in the Harry Potter universe does not automatically merit the belief in one or more god or gods. It also certainly does not mean Severus Snape practices Wicca.
Rule Number Twelve:
Severus Snape does not use the internet. (Note: If you ever happen to come across someone on the internet claiming to be Severus Snape, cease communication immediately.)
Rule Number Thirteen:
Severus Snape does not provide special affection in public areas, exceptions to school rules, or pet names for students.
Rule Number Fourteen:
Severus Snape is a very controlled man in speech and in action. This fact is apparent in his thought process as well; he has spent years perfecting this trait. Being such a controlled man, upon the occurrence that Severus Snape may have an erection, he would NOT under any circumstances be bold enough to thrust it upon unsuspecting people. Especially not at random.
Rule Number Fifteen:
Severus Snape would never, I repeat NEVER have sex in the potions closet. Considering how long it takes to organize, the rarity of ingredients, the volatile concoctions stored on the shelves, et cetera, this would NEVER happen. Really, I can’t be more explicitly clear.
Rule Number Sixteen:
Severus Snape is not the kind of person who would “throw caution to the wind.” Use of such a literary cliche in general is also cause for flogging.
Rule Number Seventeen:
Severus Snape is a Slytherin. Slytherins are cunning and ambitious, not inherently evil. Shall I repeat this one?
Rule Number Eighteen:
It is common knowledge that, being a Slytherin, Severus Snape is surrounded by the color green. As a writer, never under any circumstances describe the shade as “puke green”. If a reader comes across this aberration, promptly cease reading the story; assuredly, it is not going to get any better.
Rule Number Nineteen:
Severus Snape is not the happy recipient of a multitude of love letters on a regular basis. And if he were, he would not owl back.
Rule Number Twenty:
Severus Snape does not teach sex-education. Furthermore, he does not give crash courses in “mind-blowing sex” either.
Rule Number Twenty-One:
Severus Snape does not pine for his students like a pre-pubescent school girl.
Rule Number Twenty-Two:
Severus Snape does not rape students. Nor does he stalk them. These authors in particular should seek mental health counseling.
Rule Number Twenty-Three:
Severus Snape was loyal to Dumbledore. Severus Snape was not Dumbledore’s bitch. Most importantly, Severus Snape was not providing Dumbledore with sexual favors.
Rule Number Twenty-Four:
Severus Snape was not loyal to Voldemort. Severus Snape was not Voldemort’s bitch. Most importantly, Severus Snape was not providing Voldemort with sexual favors.
Rule Number Twenty-Five:
Severus Snape does not teach chemistry at your local American high school or college. Don’t make me hurt you.